Telephone answering machine recordings:
Hello, you have reached....don't talk to me like that, I'm an answering machine, not your spouse!
 Hello, so sorry but I'm out wrestling the dog for the garbage can lid, he's a LARGE dog so this could take a while.
Hi, sorry I'm not here to take this call but the dog is chasing the mailman and I'm chasing the dog, hubby is chasing me and the cat is manning the phone. As soon as he gives me the message I'll return your call.
 Hello, sorry...I don't answer this phone it had a big hairy spider on it last time I tried to answer it. Leave a message and when hubby gets home and checks it for bugs I'll call back.
 I'm sorry phone service is out in my area-if you're a bill collector I also heard the mailman died so you won't be able to reach me. If this a personal call I hope you have my cell phone # and if not leave a message and I'll get back to you.
 Hi, we are at home but we've had a fender bender in the yard. Hubby is trying to get the dog out from behind the steering wheel and I'm trying to get the cat out from under the hood. I'll call when we get our pets back in their in cages.
 Hi I'm at school picking up the measles and possibly head lice, leave me a message and I'll call back.
Hello? You really thought we'd be home? We are never home. You know the drill.
Hello, I'm in chat, if you know me you know which one, and if you don't know me, leave a message and I'll call when we have our next power outage.
 Ear Specialist: If you can hear my voice then you don't need a hearing-aid. I'm too booked to take appointments right now anyway.
 Doctor's Office: At the beep leave your name, phone number and a list of your symptoms. We will send your medication and if you experience any side effects then redo this proceedure and well send you medicine for those too.
 Psychiatrist: I'm going to count backward to 3 and if you are not in a high-income bracket you will hang up the phone.
 State Office: I'm sorry but everyone is on coffee break and catching up on the gossip. Please call back.
Hello? I'm on PMS, be glad you got the answering machine it has a more polite message than the one I have in mind!
 Hello. All the teenagers have their own phones and I'm sure you have the number, USE IT! For all other callers, Hello, you have reached....
Government: I'm sorry but in our boredom we've decided to make up laws for the people, by the people and so on....just leave a message and we'll get back to you this time next year, maybe. Kiss the baby for me.
I'm out chasing a greased pig, my main squeeze is sittin' on the fence laughin'...The dog is at the neighbors diggin' up sheep bones...The cat is at the other neighbors hanging on their window screens beggin' fer food..Now just as soon as we round up all these critters we'll give you a hollar! Please leave yer windows open so's you can hear us...Have a nice day! Once, when I barely missed the call, and called right back, the man on the other end was still laughing.
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